Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
