either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
