Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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