he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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