Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
