i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
