Your face is a jimmy john
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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