She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
