new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
