it hurts more in the daytime
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
