NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
