I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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