I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
