She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
