We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
