I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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