I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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