He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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