I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
