wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
