glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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