just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
