Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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