if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
