It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
