Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
