How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
