Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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