Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
