hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
