Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
