yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
