I heard we made out
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
how do flat chested girls get laid?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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