When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
