I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
