I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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