The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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