Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
