I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
