Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
