If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
