I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
