if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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