No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
