I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
