i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
