Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
