I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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