I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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