Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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