Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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