Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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